[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
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Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree