The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
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No one told me my life would become so much googling it
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
Yoga Matt
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.