Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
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I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR