I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
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Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.
for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
We cut our bangs at dawn.
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*