It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
You Might Also Like
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Before you unsubscribe from our emails, would you mind taking a moment to fill out a short, 200 question survey about why you are unsubscribing?
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
I know karate and tons of other words.
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.