uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
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My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
yeah no that’s fair
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.
repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plotSon: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!
Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol
Son: So is it this switch here or
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
Ha
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.
The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene