If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
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My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]
ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]
ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-
ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
This can never not be funny 😭😭
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it