Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
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Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
Become ungovernable.
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”