my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
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Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
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A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
the worm is coming from inside the brain
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grassThings my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat foodColour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and whiteSynopsis: My cat is a cow