Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
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new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂