I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
You Might Also Like
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
Don’t talk down to me
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
<⌒/ヽ-、__
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄∧_∧ oh no
( ・ω・) im late for work
_| ⊃/(___
/ └-(____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄<⌒/ヽ-、__ lol
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”