me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
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[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
sliding into dms like
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.