Optional boss fight.
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If only
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing