Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
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My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting