happy valentine’s day to me
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People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
waiting for halloween be like:
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!