Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
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*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box