See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
You Might Also Like
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
This is what makes twitter great
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father