ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
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Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS