Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
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what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…