Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
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Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
The way time stretches between the moment you put your hands under the air dryer and the realisation it is in fact a paper towel dispenser.
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
forgive me baja for i have blast
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.