DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
You Might Also Like
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
they should invent a rest for the wicked
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
Tree: so how do I eat?
God: you just absorb sunlight and-
Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!
God: well not exactly-
Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ
God:
Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
Hmmmmm
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
Botany good plants lately?
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.