Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
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Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.