I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
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My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
shut up and take my money
Strange
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.