I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
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this… may be the greatest story ever told
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
Teach your children to beatbox
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life