Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
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Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
GOD: okay everyone gets one thing from this bag of traits
ELEPHANT: i shall take a long nose
GOD: how fun
BUTTERFLY: i shall have beautiful wings
GOD: oho yes very charming
MOSQUITO: i shall be a heinous little b***h
GOD: you know what this is my fault i did put that in the bag
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
Bros before Ohioes