8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
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“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
Posting this on behalf of a friend