Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
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me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”