sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
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[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
I bet birds love this building.
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.