My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
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[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
another case of gang violins
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday