If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
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I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”