Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
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I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputyTHINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriffTHINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your handTHINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for loveTHINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
Netflix and awkward silence?
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays