Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
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people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.