As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
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I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
ready to be harvested
So I hear that you race cars, do you win many races?
No, the cars are much faster.
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.