Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
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my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
Strange
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY