Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
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You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets