what’s really going on
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doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
A completely valid reaction tbh
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
im pitting my doctors against each other like divorced parents. tellin my dentist that the podiatrist said i can have sugar cubes
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.