Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
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How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
Actually cracking up @ this
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!