Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
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My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
Follow me for more fitness tips.
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.