When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
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After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
Dating Tips.
C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
I like how people say “travel safely” like I’m the one flying the plane.
Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.