9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
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5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
A flock of dads is called a grill.
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
Perfect
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*