I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
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Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion