Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
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Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.