Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
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Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
What the dentist sees
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.