Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
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Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
They’re stuck in your pants?
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.