The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
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When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
Me, in DM rooms…
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
that de-escalated quickly
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”