My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
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How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
TRAIN’S HERE
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.