local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
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I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.