[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
You Might Also Like
[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
me: dating is hard
me on a date: convicted rainbows go to prisms but it’s usually a light sentence
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
If you want my opinion ask my wife
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
I am also baked goods
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.