alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
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[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
me when i see my girls butt
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
The dark side of Canada
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.