Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
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Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.
Dating Tips
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.